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lyrics

I was only a kid when it happened.
One day, during kindergarten, I was feeling unusually tired, so I went to talk to my teacher about what I should do.
She told me to lay my head down on the desk and maybe take a little nap.
I was already sick with strep throat but had insisted on going to school that day anyways.
Even as a kindergartener, I didn’t know how to quit.
Anyways, I rested my head on my backpack and slowly fell asleep.
The next few hours are hazy.
I slip in and out of consciousness, never remembering what happens on the way over.
Next thing I know, I’m in a hospital.
I need two shots to the leg and to stay home for a few days.
When I ask what happened, they tell me I had a febrile seizure during class.
They still don’t know exactly why it happened.

And so life continued on.
I forgot about the seizure and everything it had done.
It’s probably the reason I had no friends in Elementary school.
“Oh no, don’t play with them, they’ve got brain problems.”
Regardless, I did decent in school, made it through class, et cetera.
Stopped believing in a God who never answered.
Three years pass. I don’t change that much.
I get strep again and my mom makes sure that I stay home.
Then one night, I have a high fever. Higher than my mom’s ever seen before, and she’s a nurse.
Later that night, it happens again.

This time, when I wake up, my tongue hurts.
This time, when I wake up, I get a bottle of pills.
This time, when I wake up, it turns out I have a benign cyst on the right side of my brain.
This time, when I wake up, something’s different.
This time, when I wake up, I have a diagnosis.
A seizure disorder.
Until that point I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me.

Everything will be alright in the end
Because it has to

About two years later, I move from South Florida to Washington state.
A year after that, I stop taking the meds because they aren’t doing anything now.
A few years later, I realize that I’m not straight.
A few more years later, I realize I’m not cisgender either.
Some months after that, I start taking antidepressants.
I start to heal.

I look back and I see the person I used to be.
And I think to myself; that’s not me.
Those memories, that place - that’s not me.
I am not that person.
I was never that person.

I cry a lot more now.
I think it helps.

This isn’t the end
unless you want it to be
unless you give up

so don't give up

credits

from Approaching Bearable, released March 23, 2018

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