1. |
Terrified
02:30
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Help me escape from myself just for a while. I need a break from these evil thoughts, just for the night. These evil thoughts that make it hard for me to breathe. Voice in my head, oh please God let me sleep. I'm scared of myself and I don't know what to do. I can't run away and I really fucking need you. I'm scared of myself. I'm afraid of what I think, of what I will do, what I will say, how much I drink. Of how I hate everything that makes me up. I'm terrified because I don't think that you give a fuck. I'm scared of myself and I don't know what to do. I can't run away and I really fucking need you. I'm afraid of the fact that I'm screaming into the void. You don't care. Now I'm gonna lose my voice.
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2. |
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He'd had enough of how he felt, so he tried something new. Got out of town. Searching--not sure for what, where, or who. He didn't know what he'd find but he didn't entirely care. It's the journey, not the destination! But the destination is not there. Driving and driving with no end in sight, no idea where to go. This is just what he wanted, right? No obligations? No home? It got lonely but that's nothing new, he'd be alone at home all the same. All he wanted was for the loneliness to stop. For someone, with love, to say his name.
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3. |
7777777
05:09
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I was only a kid when it happened.
One day, during kindergarten, I was feeling unusually tired, so I went to talk to my teacher about what I should do.
She told me to lay my head down on the desk and maybe take a little nap.
I was already sick with strep throat but had insisted on going to school that day anyways.
Even as a kindergartener, I didn’t know how to quit.
Anyways, I rested my head on my backpack and slowly fell asleep.
The next few hours are hazy.
I slip in and out of consciousness, never remembering what happens on the way over.
Next thing I know, I’m in a hospital.
I need two shots to the leg and to stay home for a few days.
When I ask what happened, they tell me I had a febrile seizure during class.
They still don’t know exactly why it happened.
And so life continued on.
I forgot about the seizure and everything it had done.
It’s probably the reason I had no friends in Elementary school.
“Oh no, don’t play with them, they’ve got brain problems.”
Regardless, I did decent in school, made it through class, et cetera.
Stopped believing in a God who never answered.
Three years pass. I don’t change that much.
I get strep again and my mom makes sure that I stay home.
Then one night, I have a high fever. Higher than my mom’s ever seen before, and she’s a nurse.
Later that night, it happens again.
This time, when I wake up, my tongue hurts.
This time, when I wake up, I get a bottle of pills.
This time, when I wake up, it turns out I have a benign cyst on the right side of my brain.
This time, when I wake up, something’s different.
This time, when I wake up, I have a diagnosis.
A seizure disorder.
Until that point I didn’t know there was anything wrong with me.
Everything will be alright in the end
Because it has to
About two years later, I move from South Florida to Washington state.
A year after that, I stop taking the meds because they aren’t doing anything now.
A few years later, I realize that I’m not straight.
A few more years later, I realize I’m not cisgender either.
Some months after that, I start taking antidepressants.
I start to heal.
I look back and I see the person I used to be.
And I think to myself; that’s not me.
Those memories, that place - that’s not me.
I am not that person.
I was never that person.
I cry a lot more now.
I think it helps.
This isn’t the end
unless you want it to be
unless you give up
so don't give up
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4. |
No More Sad Songs
01:56
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I'm getting bored of writing songsabout mental illness. I think by now you know I'm not my biggest fan. You've heard this all before, it's all so trite and uninspired. No one gives a fuck that I'm always so tired. I wanna write songs that evoke feelings of adventure! I wanna write songs that make you want to fall in love! But I hardly leave my house and I'm pretty sure I'll die alone, I guess I'll just keep writing what I know. I'm getting bored of writing songs about mental illness. I think by now you know I'm not my biggest fan. You've heard this all before, I'm not unique, it's been done. But fuck it! Let's all have a good night while we're still young.
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5. |
Bible Dipped Dictionary
03:21
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You were so beautiful on that night. We're up until 5am, bathed in the moonlight. We talked about everything and nothing all at once. I'd love to live it all again, but that just can't be done. We bible dipped the dictionary--made up our own words. We didn't say anything. Half a bottle of Captain Morgan's down. We tried to watch the sunrise, but it could not be found. Funny, how things change.
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6. |
Death by Minimum Wage
01:59
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I work for the golden arches but I do not make a living there. I make more of a "barely surviving"--I can pay my rent, but my cupboards lie bare. I can fit into my high school pants again--ever since I moved I've been losing weight. I've always felt too big anyway, I'll just tell myself that this is fate. My car is falling apart, my body isn't all that far behind. I've been having scary thoughts again, I didn't know that this is how I'd lose my mind. Sitting, quiet, in a college apartment, trying way too hard to fill an empty page. I'm only given 20 hours a week. This is it! Death by minimum wage!
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7. |
What? Why? Where?
01:41
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I think about you every day. I cannot help but contemplate if I've made a big mistake. I've done too much. It's way too late for me to turn this thing around, for me to hear how bad it sounds, to see my reflection in the mirror. What the fuck am I doing here? This is not where I belong. Everything about this place feels wrong. How was I supposed to know this would do nothing but stunt my growth? I'd say I wish I could go back but that would be nothing but a waste of breath. Please tell me what I need to hear. What the fuck am I doing here?
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8. |
14 Days
02:26
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Are you out there? I've been waiting my whole life. Maybe I should stop waiting, maybe I should do something. I haven't left this room in 14 days. I am afraid. I'm too scared to leave my house. I can't figure any of this adult shit out. Maybe I should stop waiting. I haven't left this room in 14 days. Is this really all life is? Getting stoned and watching tv? Maybe I should stop waiting, maybe I should do something. I haven't left this room in 14 days.
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9. |
I'm Sorry
03:51
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I never thought I'd feel this lost. I didn't think I'd live this long. I didn't know I'd miss my home so much. I wasn't prepared for any of this. I should have stayed in college. Maybe then I wouldn't feel so worthless. I'm scared I do too many drugs. I'm afraid I'm always being judged. I'm scared I'll never fall in love again. I know I do not do enough to help all the people that I love. I know I don't deserve your sympathy. I'm tired of always feeling this way. I'm tired of always being afraid. Some day I want to wake up and feel okay. I'm sorry for always wasting your time. I'm sorry for undervaluing life. I'm really sorry for everything.
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10. |
Peace Out
03:53
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I miss being in love. I feel like I was never really good at much else. To be fair, I was never terribly good at that either. But on my better days it really helped. I don't know how to be alone without feeling lonely. God, i fucking hate feeling lonely. And while I'm pretty sure no one particularly enjoys feeling lonely, some people deal better than others. I am clearly one of the latter. I don't know why I feel the need to do this. Scream about how much I hate myself to a group of strangers, that is. Yeah, it's cathartic to be sure, but this is clearly not healthy behavior. Maybe I need help and the only way I can ask is by hiding behind a guitar. Maybe I'm just an egomaniac. Maybe it's both of these things, I really don't know. Either way, thanks for listening. Have a good night.
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Floral Tattoo Seattle, Washington
autonomous collective
1312
alex (she/her)
numbers (any)
jake (he/him)
thos (any)
jan (she/they/it)
ryan (he/they)
veni (she/they/it)
photo: @fartsox on ig
Floral Tattoo recommends:
jake's other band
go to album
ᴀɴᴄɪᴇɴᴛ ᴅᴇᴇᴘ ᴡᴏᴏᴅs ᴘᴏʀᴛᴀʟ
by ᴀʜx
gwen's electronic solo projects
go to album
Horse Girl Triumphs
by Trees and Flowers
a song by thomas
go to albumIf you like Floral Tattoo, you may also like:
the first glass beach album
by glass beach
supported by 14 fans who also own “Approaching Bearable”
this album embraces its genrelessness making every song special in its own way
go to album
Yip Jump Music (1983)
by Daniel Johnston
The Daniel Johnston catalog comes to Bandcamp, bringing with it a host of lo-fi classics.
go to album
